What is the need for control and how to overcome it

Surely you will have encountered people who constantly make sure that everything goes according to their schemes and who intend to control everything around them, both people, events or situations, without having a moment of relaxation. In general, most people appreciate the benefits of a predictable routine and make things go as planned, however, some can feel very stressed, annoying or angry when life takes an unexpected turn.

¿What is all this need for control? In this psychology-online article we explain you in detail What is the need for control and how to overcome it.

1. What is the need for control
2. Causes of the need for control
3. Examples of the need for control
4. Consequences of excessive need for control
5. How to overcome the need for control

What is the need for control

The need for control is An attempt to prevent unpredictable events, the variability of behavior and situations of others. This manifests when you do not live uncertain situations serenity, you are always afraid to make mistakes, there is difficulty in managing stress, you feel a constant need to be reassured, you do not feel confidence in the abilities of others, It feels an excessive sense of responsibility and can not be left to random even the most insignificant detail.

Also, this need for control is often accompanied by intransigence, perfectionism, stiffness and detachment. The person strives to put order, predict the unpredictable and not find themselves without preparation. It is not about commitment and responsibility, but an inner need to maintain the ideal image of one, of independence and efficiency, which becomes a mask that blocks the spontaneity of the person.

Causes of the need for control

The need for control is generally a reaction to the fear of losing it. This fear generally comes from Traumatic events of the past who returned to the impotent and vulnerable person. Similarly, abuse or abandonment can cause victims to look for other ways to recover control of their lives, sometimes sabotaging those of others. For this reason, they may feel forced to manage and program the actions and behaviors of others to the smallest detail or maintain strict rules about their diet, cleanliness and order.

The causes of the need for control may be related to:

• Traumatic or abuse experiences.
• Lack of trust.
• Anxiety.
• Fear of abandonment.
• Low or deteriorated self -esteem.
• The values, convictions and beliefs of the person.
• Perfectionism and fear of failure.
• Emotional sensitivity and fear of living painful emotions.

Examples of the need for control

¿How to detect the need for control? These are some signs that could indicate that there is a tendency to create control dynamics:

• You want things to be predictable and routine.
• You feel anxious, stressed and upset when things don't go as you want or how you expect.
• You are very organized And you like schemes without leaving space for flexibility.
• You want things to be done in a specific way and you can't delegate.
• You are stuck in the thought of "white or black", of "all or nothing" without taking into account the nuances.
• You tend to postpone things.
• You imagine the worst if things do not come out as you want or expect.
• You have extremely high standards for both you and others and You tend to be a perfectionist.
• You can be extremely demanding and critical.
• You do not requested tips because you think to know what others should do and how they should do it.
• It costs you a lot to relax.
• You hate and fear changes.

Of course, some of these features and behaviors can be beneficial. However, if the controls are excessive, this type of behavior will end up generating anxiety and discomfort circuits.

Consequences of excessive need for control

Being a maniac of control means being unable to handle the danger and the unexpected. For this reason, hypercontrollers people They usually have low self -esteem that makes them think they are not able to face situations. In turn, they are afraid to disappoint others, to be vulnerable, betray the trust that others have deposited in you, as well as the constant suspicion that will be betrayed and the feeling of not having received anything in exchange for what has been given.

Generally, the negative memory of a "lack of control" experience terrifies the person, so he will try to avoid all similar situations, thus reinforcing the anxiety circuit, since the control mania causes a continuous state of tension muscle and body stiffness. As a consequence, people with excessive need of control will have a constant feeling of tiredness and fatigue.

Emotional, hypercontrol Block deep emotions. In this way, the feelings of guilt, anger, sadness will remain silent and generate great frustration.

How to overcome the need for control

¿How to eliminate the need to control everything? With the exception of cases in which the need for control is not indicator of more severe conditions, such as personality and anxiety disorders, this condition can be handled by working on a one. Then, we show you some strategies to learn to overcome the need for control:

Acquire awareness

To start, you will have to detect and accept your behaviors of excessive control and write them on a sheet. This exercise It will help you anticipate and plan an alternative response In situations in which your obsession for control is likely to arise.

Explore your feelings

To change your control behaviors you will have to deepen the underlying causes. To do this, start asking what fears are guiding your control behavior.

When emotions are strong, they can distort our thoughts. For this reason, it is also important.

Challenge the thought that causes fear

Once you have identified distorted thinking based on fear, you can challenge it and replace it with calmer thoughts and functional. For example, you can challenge a catastrophic thought like "if we are not going to six, our full vacations will be ruined", asking you the chances of this really happens, if it is useful to think about this way or if you are only focusing on the aspects negative.

These questions can help you expand your thoughts and see that being late can frustrate some of your plans, but it will not necessarily ruin all your vacation.

Accept what is out of your control

We are aware that we can only control ourselves and yet we continue trying to convince our partner and children to do things in the "correct" way or make the right decisions. For this reason, it is important to distinguish what is under our control and what does not and stop giving unwanted advice.

It's important to know give us what is outside our control and allow people to make their own decisions without forcing them to change for our will.

Embrace imperfection in yourself and others

Part of acceptance is recognize that none of us is perfect, Since we all make mistakes, forget things, make bad decisions, etc. We must wait and accept that sometimes the objectives are not achieved, the plans fail, people disappoint us and accidents occur.

Also, trying to microgestion people and situations does not prevent this type of thing from happening and can end up moving them away from our side.

Reduce stress and anxiety

The idea of ​​stopping in a state of uncertainty includes the ideas of acceptance and surrender in a quiet way, tolerating not knowing what will happen and you are not trying to control it. To achieve this type of tranquility it is necessary Exercise to calm the mind and body, such as practicing meditation, exercise, relaxing massages or calming rituals.

Not all unexpected changes are negative

Our catastrophic thinking leads us to assume that any unexpected change is negative, but this is false. Being summoned to a meeting with your boss does not mean that you are in trouble, but maybe you want to congratulate your work or offer you a new opportunity. Or, that the girl you just met cancel the plans for dinner does not mean that the relationship is condemned, since you may have an even better appointment next week.

Try to be open to the possibility that an unexpected change can be positive, even if in another similar situation of the past it was not like this.

This article is merely informative, in psychology-online we have no power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

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