Why do you take time to leave a relationship?

Sometimes it is better to leave and need, to be and not mean anything.
A man who has not passed through the hell of his passions, has never overcome them. Carl Gustav Jung

Content

• Are the affective ties that unite us really strong?
• Feel attraction for the couple
• Get to agreements with the couple
• Feeling alone
• Fear of separation
• As a corollary
• Final reflection
  • References

Are the affective ties that unite us really strong?

Do not let yourself be lost, for someone who does not mind losing you

We have almost all passed or we will go through a relationship that ends. There are basically three moments in this process:

1. Sometimes imperceptible wear, sometimes abrupt that leads us to feel constant discomfort.
2. Discovering, not being happy and considering the possibility of a separation.
3. The separation itself.

This article focuses its attention, basically on the second point: discover not to be happy and ask yourself, do I separate or do not separate?

Just to have a reference, many are The points that lead us to have a partner, Some well -known and others not so much: feel alone, be emotionally dependent, have a family, get old together, have children, carry out projects (educational, economic, spiritual, social, travel, etc.), Enjoy the couple's company, have sex, spend time together, differences, similarities, be lost in love, work together, live separately and want to be together, have fun, feel to have found the love of their life or twin soul , to have someone to love, be important for a person and many more. This generates attachment relationships that at one time could be difficult to destroy.

However, in the apparent strength of the links there is an amazing fragility that the sociologist Zygmunt Bauman (2020) calls Liquid love, where, Human ties are fragile, they create feelings of insecurity, This fragility creates conflicts and an impulse is generated for strengthening links with strategic moorings to easily discourage them.

Well we come to believe that this first choice could be mediated by purely positive elements, but it is not, sometimes from that first choice we have blind points that in one way or another, they can define the future course of the couple, creating disparate couples. Also, very negative elements are presented, and suddenly we pay, a emotional invoice, Face enough to take the dream in the future.

Can I separate or don't I separate? Takes us just to a paradoxical point, then The initial expectations are gone between the fingers, The moments of happiness cracks to the breakdown, either by decision of the couple, of ourselves or both.

Psychological divorce: do we continue together or do we separate?

Discovering dissatisfied is the first point to Create a change awareness. However, Separate, can take a time that goes "from 7 months to 5 years" (Lewandowski, 2021, p. 252). Some more, they never manage to separate and live with discomfort all their lives. Therefore, the first element to consider is the time of reflection that could lead us to separation. We procrastine making decisions and more do when the tasks to be executed are painful and undesirable.

However, it is worth entering the uncertainty generated by making the decision. Presents itself A mixture of feelings, emotions, thoughts and paradoxical actions (Love, sadness, longing or nostalgia, fear, pain, etc.), And that is what delays decision making. Is to experience emotional kidnapping and emotional resonance that echoes in the positive and the negative.

If you are going through such a stage: you don't want to get lost all the time invested. However, from my point of view the strongest indicator to take into account, to know if your relationship is coming to an end and you are thinking of separating, is that: You experience too much wear in the relationship and very little or nothing happiness. And you don't deserve this!

The points developed below were originally touched in the investigation: sequences in separation: a framework to investigate the finals of the romantic personal relationship, by Harvard University researcher Loren Lee (Lee, 1984). It was a retrospective study with 112 people who finished their relationship.

Next, the four main points are analyzed in the decision to separate, in addition to the time, for which the decision -making is delayed to end a relationship.

Feel attraction for the couple

The ruptures are painful, but continuing with someone who does not deserve hurts even more.
People don't forget, you learn to live without them.

Even in the midst of the conflict, the brain has the ability to “house two mutually incompatible beliefs at the same time, from perception, to morality”, this is known as brain modularity and as the expert Robert Kurzban says, it is expressed through of language. (Punset, 2015).  "If we are wrong, but it also has its positive things". "Before it was not so, but for a few months here it is very irritable". "It has been violent, but only when it is stressed".

With broken expectations, The brain makes an ambivalent interpretation and values ​​positive aspects of the couple: Being the father/mother of the children, the moments of peace, growth, company, the physical attractiveness of the couple, the context lived with friends, family, neighbors and acquaintances, being pleasant or funny and intelligent, time Of intimacy (physical and emotional), the holidays, the pleasant moments, going out to dance, go to the movies, kiss, hug, look in the eye, take the couple by the hand, share the bed, bathe together and many more.

It is worth stopping at this point, because at least in the case of nostalgia The boundaries in the positive and the negative are very blurred and ambiguous: For example; We confuse missing with loving and that produces emotional pain.

Feeling nostalgia is similar to experiencing a mental disorder, similar to depression. The pain experienced in nostalgia, connects us with the past experiences that will not possibly return and were pleasant.

There is a hormonal shock, metaphorically as if it were an emotional galaxies clash. Love, anxiety and sadness face in this great collision.

Pleasure, love, affection, kindness, attachment, attraction, warmness, love, closeness, compassion, commitment, trust, cordiality, desire, devotion, empathy, falling in love , faith, sweetness, loyalty, lust, forgiveness, recognition, respect, forgiveness, sentimentality, sympathy, sociability, solidarity, sublimation and tenderness; They produce: dopamine (pleasure hormone), oxytocin (peace hormone, relationship, health, rest, social relationship).

Rather than taking as a list of synonyms, the importance of identifying us with some of its elements, serves as a symptom to know what was had and was very possibly lost in the relationship or what is expected to be recovered and in each case it is different. For example, we can stay and make an effort to rescue the relationship, because in general our partner has been empathic and supportive and now it is no longer. We are waiting for the version of which we fall in love and now there are only emotional remains that may not come back. Even in another approach we want our partner to be empathic and supportive because we are and believe that as we treat others, we also want to be treated.

This emotional, real or potential shock with the couple produces; Cortisol (stress hormone), its activation:

• It is associated with nerve tension, the immune system lowers.
• Activates respiratory diseases, autoimmune and allergies),
• It produces indigestion, irritation, and inflammation of the intestinal mucosa, which can cause ulcers and irritable colon and colitis,
• Increase blood pressure (can produce; chronic heart diseases, heart attacks and vascular brain problems)),
• Generates insomnia, irritability, lack of concentration, memory failures,
• It can cause erectile dysfunction or interruption of the ovulatory cycle, premature aging, acne and various problems in the epidermis, chronic fatigue and even depression ”. (Fuentes, 2021).

Can Identify the symptoms of stress when we feel: accelerated, anxious, desperate, insecure, nervous and worried anguished.

Sadness is experienced in its different semantic meanings: abandonment, bitterness, apathy, grief, consternation, decayed, disappointed, depressed, discouraged, disconsolate, discontent, unhappy, despair, worn out, demoralized, demoralized, sore, failed, frustrated, wounded, unhappy, dissatisfied, melancholic, nostalgic, sad and only. In the same way as in the previous list, experimenting any of the above elements, shows us that each separation process is unique and is experienced with common emotional axes, but singularly. Feeling nostalgic, for example, shows us the pain of what you may not return and that at some point generated great doses of pleasure.

“We frequently take the easiest way and avoid painful experiences. That is a strategy for failure, because it only makes us think about them. The more we try to get our partner out of our mind, the more it appears again ". (Lewandowski, 2021, p. 266).

Get to agreements with the couple

I thought I couldn't live without you  And now is when I can really be happy.
I understood, pause in my life: that I had to lose myself, to find myself again. Psych. Juan Antonio Barrera

Make agreements It is a tool that serves a lot to neutralize idealized states and unrealistic expectations by one or both members of the couple. Do not communicate clearly, fracture confidence and lack of will to work together, they go against agreements. Build well -being, It is not something that occurs randomly, implies a couple work. Where it shows us that loving is not enough. Not everything that is needed is love, but also knowledge and knowledge to get the best of each.

However, when in a relationship faces unhappiness, discomfort and lack of course, reaching a simple agreement, it is an oxygen tank that can potentially change the destination of separation. Sometimes the positive moments hinder the effectiveness of the agreements, then People need to adjust to the new reality in which they live and the past has already passed And it won't return.

Passion does not return by magic. The new and best, is the expression of mutual needs, some of them sometimes incompatible with current reality. In general, they imply superficial commitments related to issues such as; of money, the raising of children, political family, stress management, health care, house tasks, sex, time together, commitment to close emotional and individual emotional cycles and intimacy and intimacy to express their emotions and feelings.

However, such a delicate theme, many times, gives the impression of achieving improvement, but in general, only the waters for a few days, to become more violent or fall into indifference, but They create the illusion or mirage to improve. And this delays the decision making to separate, And many times he does not go to professional advice.

Agreements are not always achieved where both are moderately pleased and that is part of reality, but not invalidated all other areas of coexistence where the couple can continue to grow.

Feeling alone

It is different to be alone to feel alone.

Being alone is a personal decision that can even be pleasant and enjoy. Living accompanied and feeling only is a painful experience.

We are social and relational beings. We need social interaction for being human.

Loneliness by choice leads us to enjoy a good book, rest, go to a museum or concert, and can be loaded with some hyperactivity. However, some people can decide to be alone, because they do not have social skills to interact, they have had unpleasant experiences and decided better to isolate themselves.

In social phobia and social anxiety, we feel fear of contact with others, but also in the paradox of the hyper digital connections, We can be surrounded by people and still feel alone; Well, our life goals or our expectations do not match those of the couple, they are not understood or simply do not care.

We can get sick when we feel alone: Sadness becomes depression and people in general tend to isolate socially, among other behaviors.

Other consequences of feeling alone or isolated are: decreased interest or capacity for pleasure in all or almost all activities; important weight loss without following a diet, or loss or increased appetite; Insomnia or hypersomnia (sleep too much); agitation or psychomotor delay; fatigue or energy loss; feelings of uselessness or guilt; decrease in the ability to concentrate or indecision; recurring thoughts of death or suicidal thoughts; Symptoms cause significant discomfort or deterioration (Halgin & Krauss, p. 314, 2004).

Leaving the couple is also losing part of the most complex identity and challenge is most likely to reinvent itself and take responsibility for their own life.

Fear of separation

Fear is the most intense emotion and allows us to survive. There are fundamentally three reactions: we face, paralyze or flee before fear. It is a basic emotion as well as sadness, joy, surprise, anger and disgust, these are fundamentally biological, but there are others with a social basis; Like pride and guilt.

Fear detects danger signs and those signs can be real or imaginary. However, the brain fails to distinguish them. That is why he feels fear of things that do not exist, but that he interprets them as a reality.

“Fear cannot be our guide when we talk about the future, because when we are afraid, the world is paralyzed. And everything around is in a waiting compass until we solve the threat ”. (People who build, 2021)

Feeling fear, to finish a relationship can face people to great changes, but it can also be rigged with other fears, such as: fear of being alone, fear of autonomy, fear of separation or fear of abandonment. The latter is an anxiety disorder and can distort relationships with other people.

Since 1967, psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rae. Proposed a scale (Social readjustment scale) where people allocated a value (maximum of 100 points) to a series of life events. The higher the score achieved by the subjects, the more possibilities the possibilities of impacting and harming a person's health are considered. The most important events considered on that scale were all related to the couple: "Death of the wife (100 points), divorce (73 points), conjugal separation (65 points)". (Cervera & Zapata, 1982, p. 9).

Face any extreme emotion, puts us at the limit of health, physical and mental.

If a single element of these four analyzed generates a great impact on its own, it is now understandable that facing these four at the same time, DECEIVES DECISION, UNTIL HAVE THE COLD HEAD. And, in some cases it will never be taken by the real or perceived consequences that implies an action of this nature.

As a corollary

Pain has an adaptive and survival function. Generally the pain We associate it with diseases when the body informs us that: "Something is not doing well".

Man fears death and pain (Barragán, 2008). We could place physical pain; Among our personal conflicts, health and disease Because there is also emotional pain. Emotional pain is permanently present by making the decision of a separation and is also present after it.

The way we think determines the way we feel. And vice versa. We are able to create our own reality. However, we can change the way of thinking and feeling. Postulate neurosciences

All emotions can be experienced superlatively until they become emotional disorders. In the case of fear Disorders can be anxiety, stress and can be considered as excess emotion, which has resulted in pathology or emotional alteration.

Making the decision to separate is not easy because it implies facing an overlapping and imbricated emotional world of positive and negative emotions. However, Staying in indecision and attached to pain, does not allow growing, nor achieve your dreams and life goals again.

Final reflection

If you were happy with someone who wasn't for you, Imagine with the right person!

Rescuing the relationship is two thing. However, a very frequent mistake is to wait and ask God and the universe that the couple changes. And this is almost impossible to happen. All endings hurt, no matter if they leave us or leave the person. At the end of a relationship, we lose someone and we lose at least temporarily to ourselves.

On the other hand, when cortisol levels in the body are in balance: you sleep better, your memory works properly, your sleeping is healthy, inflammation levels of the whole body are regulated, you have more energy and sugar levels In the body they are in balance. And all this can be achieved once you have gone through a Duel work and you have your emotional cycles closed.

When the pain of a loving loss is not processed

While nostalgia in its ambivalent interpretation has negative characteristics, Its positive effect by closely closing emotional cycles, increases psychological well -being. For example; When there are children or some life project and they love and value them, that is regardless of life as a couple.

In the prevention of avoiding being caught in negative nostalgia, it is to avoid various psychosomatic problems, as well as avoid falling into existential emptiness, bitterness, sadness, depression, loneliness, melancholy and in the worst of the scenarios suicide. Martell points out that "a deep sadness can lead to diabetes". (Martell, s/f).

Reaching agreements, is a powerful tool to express the expectations of each member of the couple. However, if there is the commitment of both parties or a professional is not consulted, when they cannot achieve them, this type of obstacle can hardly be resolved in the relationship.

Having an agreement can be a growth space, not discussion. It can be a safe site where complex issues, concerns or situations difficult to solve are expressed. They do not solve only with sex or remain silent and contain the negative emotions and feelings towards the couple. It needs to really have a positive, empathic, proactive and resolutive attitude. It is better to express the situations to be resolved by the context and not by the person. "It bothers me that in general we arrive late to the events", instead of "you are irresponsible and indolent, so we are always late for events".

Do not detect the blind points that the couple faces can lead to separation. And when we have conflicts, not solve them on time, it has the same result.

The separation is a time of ambivalences (evaluate the positive and the negative lived as a couple), of many times insufficient or without real commitment, to face the loneliness itself and be disconnected from the essence of being a couple, and of being responsible for itself himself facing the fear of separation and fear of reinventing himself again.

All this causes pain and an intense mixture of emotions such as love, anguish, nostalgia, sadness and stress, which is why it is difficult for us to make the final decision to be part of the other person's life.

An exacerbated head with so many emotions, interprets any negative event also disproportionately in the negative. For this reason, it is important to quiet emotions to get out of high -impact events like this.

If you are going through a similar situation and you do not know how to solve it, it is important to go with your trust therapist.

References

• Barragán a. (2008). Live with chronic pain. Books of La Araucaria.
• Bauman, Z. (2020). Liquid love (about the fragility of human ties). Fund of Economic Culture.
• Cervera, s. And Zapata, R. (1982). Psychiatry today (life events and psychic disorders). Salvat
• Sources, m. (2021). What happens to your body when you have excess cortisol? [On-line]. https: // www.AARP.Org/Spanish/health/life-hell.html#: ~: text = se%20PERIZE%20INDESTI%C3%B3N%2c%20irritaci%C3%B3n%20E, of%20con%20irritable%20y%20colitis.& Text = the%20Excess%20de%20cortisol%20Aumenta, problems%20cardio%20y%20cerebro%20vascular
• Halgin, r. & Krauss, S. (2004). Psychology of abnormality (clinical perspectives on psychological disorders. McGraw Hill.
• Read l. Separation sequences: a framework to investigate the ends of the personal relationship (romantic). Social and Personal Relations Magazine. 1984; 1 (1): 49-73. DOI: 10.1177/0265407584011004
• Lewandowski, g. W. (2021). Love is never enough (the 10 blind points that sabotage your relationship and how to overcome them). Diana.
• Martell, j. (s/f). The great dictionary of ailments and diseases. Quinta Essence editions.
• People who build (2021). Facundo Manes (eye with fear). [On-line]. https: // www.Youtube.com/watch?V = NKDUSYBCJ7C
• Punset, e. (2015). Language is designed to confuse us. [On-line]. https: // www.Youtube.com/watch?v = 4yumlbmo_s4