Why do we fall in love with the people who do not agree? Inverted attraction syndrome

The most boring evil is that one used to. Jean-Paul Sartre

Our mental functions can be altered before being conceived, during the gestation process and during the time of interaction with other human beings during our life cycle in human development. Social neuroscience assumes that the brain influences the environment and the environment in the brain. "It is the relationship between the neurological processes of the brain and social processes" (Franzoi, 2007, p. twenty-one).

exist brain protection factors and when they are not fulfilled, there are consequences in social interaction and brain health. The neurologist and scientist Facundo Manes recommends to take care of the brain: “Have positive social ties, optimism, physical exercise, maintain an active mind, learning new things, having a healthy diet, handling stress and sleeping well. Points out that, the way we think, determines the way we feel. Reality cannot be changed, what can be changed, is the way we reassess it". (WE LEARN JOINS, 2019).

Then, the health of our brain can change during pregnancy and throughout our lives. No brain works exactly the same. And, this important organ You can get sick and sick to other brains: by influence that can exercise in the environment.

At the end of the eighties of the last century, a film that caused fury for its theme: "Fatal attraction" was released: "Fatal attraction". A successful lawyer called Dan, has a perfect life, meets Alex, a very attractive woman who seduces him and harasses him. Becomes obsessed with him and things end very badly. Alex attacks wife Beth, Dan's wife and even kills her daughter's pet (a bunny). In the final outcome Alex, is dead by Dan's wife, after Alex repeatedly tries to harm Dan and the whole family. Wau! A really creepy story. At least at that time, the fear of being unfaithful for the consequences of finding someone like the disturbed Alex was perceived in the environment.

What tells us this story? There are many reflections. Crossing a look, a smile, talking for a moment, can result in a fatal attraction, in an inverted attraction, in an adventure, in a tragedy, but Everything begins with a mutual attraction and with a potential crush.

Falling in love and its effects

So, Feeling in love and having some personality alteration can be very dangerous, and a dysfunctional and excessive attachment is triggered. It presents, a distorted and delusional thought, as if the potential couple knew each other, and with it can initiate a toxic relationship that begins with a little passion, which goes up to heaven.

With a look and a few kind words, thus began the passionate and loving journey of Dan and Alex.

The modern version of fatal attraction, today we could find it too, When we follow someone obsessively in the networks or stalke a person, It becomes routine in the digital format: lurking it, spying on it, sniffing or even being intrusive in the face -to -face format.

Content

• The origin of the inverted attraction syndrome
• Can you talk about a single profile of selfish people?
• Some factors that influence the manifestation of mental disorders
  • The imprint of early experiences
  • The importance of contact with parents or caregivers as prevention factors in mental health
• Who would be these types of people?
  • Final reflection
  • References

The origin of the inverted attraction syndrome

I hate you and I love you
Because I owe you
My bitter hours
My honey hours.
Julio Jaramillo song

The issue of Shot couples, It has so many edges that from where we see it apparently presents paradoxes. Couple themes are inexhaustible and endless. Before I have mentioned what, in falling in love, to say that it is falling in love, there is a mutual feeling of attraction among lovers. The rest is harassment or harassment when the matter is unilateral.

That initial arrow could be attraction at first glance. And, that is the starting point to choose a person. One of the blind points of being in love, is to see in the other what is not. In idealizing your image and creating excessively positive expectations, sometimes one of the other. We perceive reality in a distorted way as an oasis in the desert, such a beautiful mirage, which is worth risking. I see in the couple: the love of my life, my half orange, my soulmate, to be made for each other. Ah! The memory overwhelms my senses and also gives me pleasure. Neuroscience has proven that The expectation of pleasure, produces pleasure, and the only memory of something beautiful changes the chemistry of the brain To feel pretty, it is a great discharge of dopamine.

However, in this case the Diada, see very positive things reciprocally, but there is also another side of reality. What happens, if both see very positive things in their future, but at least one of them, observes a completely different reality?

In the movie Madagascar, Alex el Lion and Marty La Cetbra, they are best friends. However, when the environment changes for everyone and they reach an island where there are no humans who feed them as in the New York Zoo. Alex, in one of the scenes he begins to see everyone with a fillet face. Marty, is presenting Alex, speaking of him very positive things about the friendship that unites them, but Alex, being carnivorous, begins to see Marty also with a fillet face, which can devour, until he proposes an unconscious bite.

These types of situations actually happen. While a person with good intentions sees a potential couple as a good person, the other with a certain index of evil, sees a couple that can be rewit and violate. An easy dam of which you can abuse full time. In Mexico we say: "The lion believes that they are all of his condition". The simple meaning is: "If I am a person with good intentions, the other person will surely be the same".

The three "ces" to measure healthy relationships

However, in this case: in the presence and contact with the other, one will unconsciously take out the best part of itself to give it in the Diada. Meanwhile, that the other will take the worst part of himself, to give it to the other too, but in the opposite sense. I will call this type of behavior: "Inverted attraction syndrome".

While one of the members, sees the possibility of being a couple, getting the best out of himself, and offering it to the other, the other member, will see the possibility of unconsciously getting the worst to take advantage of the couple.

And, the best thing about this paradox is that both go on the same path, facing adversities.

When a person is socially desirable and full of virtues, also in Mexico, we say that "it is a monerías case". This means that it has many positive qualities: hidden and visible. While, on the other side, only unconscious, deliberately negative things will come out. Will come out, "a crap case" or negative things.

It is a concave and a convex, it is a Inverted relationship. Person Good (altruistic), At a blind spot, you can fall in love with bad (selfish), Thinking is good. And, the bad, will take advantage of the good, thinking just that it is good. The good will not at first imagine the negative intentions of the bad. It's the world upside down!

To further understand the syndrome of inverted attraction, we need the meaning of the word syndrome:

Syndrome: It is a “set of symptoms or signs that are usually due to a single cause (or set of related causes) and that together indicate a particular physical or mental disease or disorder” (APA, 2010, page. 468).

Syndrome: "Collection of symptoms that form a definable pattern" (Halgin & Krauss, 2004, p. 601).

Syndrome: "Certain symptoms that tend to occur regularly in agglomerates". (Sue, Wing & Sue, 2010).

Several elements are distinguished: a multiple etiology, since very hardly a behavior is due to a single cause. And two more elements: the signs (They are the objective manifestations that a patient shows, such as: being very good or very bad in behavior) and the symptoms (They are the subjective manifestations that a patient has, such as: to think that my partner will treat me well, because I am a good person).

TO The selfish person is not interested in recognizing their symptoms and less sharing them with the couple, For example: be self -centered, narcissistic, spiteful, impulsive, non -empathetic, etc. AND The altruistic person, At least in principle in falling in love, for the blindness of love, the myopia of the future, its family imprint and other elements more, You cannot detect your partner's bad intentions And these could go unnoticed.

Can you talk about a single profile of selfish people?

How sad it is to love someone who doesn't know how to want?, But even more sad is not being able to stop wanting.

Who are the "bad" in the dyad, it is not a homogeneous profile and that makes it more difficult to detect who comes to the relationship with bad intentions and with the idea of ​​harming.

However, there are a series of behaviors that can realize the evil of the other: they can be without distinction men and women, the bad or the good.

In the field of selfish people who can harm us, the range is very wide and show characteristics such as: being capricious, toxic, celotypic, emotional blackheads, violent and who practice physical and psychological, social and sexual aggression, and of course include the Passive aggression. In general they have bad character, but it is not a rule. They have difficulty managing emotions, they are not empathic, or supportive, they hardly experience feelings of guilt after an aggression to the couple, they are controllers and in general they feel contempt for the "loved" person or victim. However, not all are the same. Some are worse than others.

Some factors that influence the manifestation of mental disorders

Nobody gives what does not have!

Many are the brain protection factors and fortunately we can consult with the assurance that true specialists have put their best effort to go to the bottom of the problem.

The imprint of early experiences

From before the conception, the quality of relationship that our parents lived, if we were planned or not, if we were abandoned or if the parenting style was harmful or negative, it marks our passage through life and is being recorded in our brain.

The learning ability of a baby is amazing. However, such a young brain is also extremely vulnerable to psychological wounds that occur during this period; such as abandonment, abuse or even terror), experience physical changes in your brain (Duhne, 2000). Brain plasticity operates in the "good" and "bad" we are able to adapt to mathematics or pain learning paths.  The brain fails to distinguish between physical pain and emotional pain. Both generate stress and difficulties in the process of adaptation to life.

In the families where adults use violence, children are much more likely to use when they grow (Guille, 2004; Tjaden and Thoennes, 2000). This is the seal of the family imprint, that is, the first good sensory experiences (hugs, kisses or caresses) or bad (blows, indifference or ill -treatment) are recorded in our brain and these behaviors are normalized and practiced sooner or later.

The importance of contact with parents or caregivers as prevention factors in mental health

For example, the psychoanalyst Sue Gerhardt, points out The importance of mother's contact or caregivers with babies and children in the first three years of her life. Many brain systems are developed during this period, crucial for manage the emotional response and prepare learning. He points out that "taking care of babies' attention is the best way to prevent mental illnesses and lowering violence and crime rates". (ISKANDAR, 2013). The contact, caresses, kisses and mamos of the mother, produces the mother and the baby doses of oxytocin (peace hormone, relationship, rest and relaxation) and dopamine (pleasure hormone), that will help you subtract cortisol (stress hormone) and both may perceive, a safer environment.

On the contrary, a negative environment, around potentially violent people can trigger even more violent behaviors such as Jonathan Pincus and Michael Stone (Pincus, 2013) in their analysis of the serial murderers. Even "healthy" people surrounded by a negative environment can make "good" people act as "bad", as happened in the Stanford prison experiment (Zimbardo, 2007).

Self -esteem and emotional wounds of childhood, such as healing them

We return here to the importance of social neuroscience, where the environment is definitive to trigger healthy behaviors or violent behaviors. The neurologist Jonathan H. Pincus (2013) found in serial murderers three basic components: abuse, brain damage and mental illness. Psychiatrist Michel Stone has reached the same conclusions as click. Brain injuries and mental illnesses are gunpowder and childhood abuse. In the exception of these components is Ted Bundy, its characteristic is that he was a psychopath and did not feel emotions or fear (Pincus, 2013). Ted suffered abandonment from his biological father and never established an affective bond with his stepfather. In general he was considered a brilliant student. And, he confessed to having committed at least 30 murders of women.

Then, the brain structure, which depends mostly on genetics, is not always decisive for an individual to be violent, since the environment can also modify its structure.

Who would be these types of people?

The list is a bit more extensive, only some are listed, as well as its main visible diagnostic criteria related to violence that alter relations with a couple. The idea of ​​just showing some diagnostic criteria (signs) is that whoever is going through a conflicting relationship can detect violent behavior patterns:

Limit personality disorder: Efforts to avoid real or imaginary abandonment, how to quickly start intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cut communication with someone for fear of being abandoned. A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends and loved ones, which in general changes from extreme closeness and love to an extreme aversion or anger (devaluation). Intense and very changable encouragement, with episodes that last from a few hours to several days. Intense and inappropriate anger or problems to control anger. Difficulty trusting, which is sometimes accompanied by irrational fear of other people's intentions. (NIH, s/f).

Antisocial personality or sociopathy disorder: Contempt for good and evil. Persistent lies or deceptions to exploit others. Be insensitive and disrespectful with others. Treat others with cruelty or indifference. Use charm or ingenuity to manipulate others for personal benefit or pleasure. Arrogance, sense of superiority and be extremely persuasive. Lack of empathy for others and remorse for damaging others (Mayo Clinic, 2020).

Psychopaths are a subgroup within the diagnosis of the antisocial personality disorder: Ease of word/surface charm. Excessive sense of self -value. Pathological liar. Scammer/manipulator. Absence of regret or feeling of guilt. Superficial affection. Affective insensitivity/absence of empathy. Frequent short -term marital relationships. Impulsiveness. Poor self -control of behavior. Promiscuous sexual behavior. (Martínez, 2010).

Narcyssist personality disorder: Have an exaggerated sense of arrogance. Have a sense of privilege and need excessive and constant admiration. Wait for your superiority to be recognized, even without achievements that justify it. Exaggerate achievements and talents. Be worried about fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or perfect couple. Believe that they are superior and that they can only be linked to special people like them. Take advantage of others to achieve what they want. Have disability or lack of will to recognize the needs and feelings of others. Behave in a arrogant or haughty way, giving the impression of conceited, boastful and pretentious. Insist on having the best of all; For example, the best car or the best office. Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior. (May Clinic, 2022).

Celotypic delusional disorder: The person maintains the delusional idea with absolute conviction. Although evidence and logic show otherwise, the affected person will remain immodifiable in his idea. In the case of celotypy, it is the idea that she is being deceived by her partner. The content of delusional ideas is unlikely and sometimes they reach the extreme of being fantasy. The person may experience intolerance, extreme irritability, aggressiveness and confrontation that is not limited to their partner, or their family, but extends to their social circle. (MGA, 2010).

Erotomania or Clerambult Syndrome: the delirium of passion

When a person falls in love with someone who is a bad person or has some mental disorder (source of violence), several things happen that do not allow the person (the victim) to be realized that relates to someone like that: the prefrontal cortex, the area Where our brightest thoughts come from, the operations center from which decisions are made and where our mirror neurons come and allow us to put ourselves in the place of the other, It does not work properly. Therefore, it takes as a positive reality the things that the bad person says (victimizer), There is a strong attachment bond. Let us remember that, In falling in love, the prefrontal cortex stops working and the brain becomes addicted to the other person, So it is common that we can observe it as the soulmate, the love of our life and everything is idealized. Then, if the couple is good or bad, at least in this phase, we do not detect it and this becomes a blind spot. Evidently in the long run, The effect will be more chaotic and devastating, if we fall in love with a toxic person, for obvious reasons.

The bad or The victimizer does have the awareness of the actions he is doing and that will harm the victim. The couple seen as a group made up of two people, if you receive an external threat (the criticisms of parents or friends towards the bad person), it generates an inverse effect: it does not separate the couple, UNE, they become stronger as more Group, in the face of adversities. This is called Romeo and Julieta effect.

The separation of lovers when they are under the effect Romeo and Julieta, is materially impossible, because both reward circuits are activated. Let's say They are drunk with dopamine (The pleasure hormone), both assume that they have found their ideal partner and someone wants to separate them. The victim idealizes the victimizer or person with some mental disorder.

On the other hand, the perpetrator either wants to separate, because His pleasure lies, in which he has found someone vulnerable who can handle his will, You can reserve and assume that you will have almost absolute control in your own right.

There is a paradoxical solution in the face of this type of love: curiously They can wear out, once adversities do not pursue them or do not criticize or try to separate them. They could realize that they don't go anywhere. If you know a victim in that situation, that would be the right time to help you suggesting emotional and psychological support through a therapy.

Final reflection

When a person falls in love, he doesn't really distinguish whether the possible couple is good or bad. They are the small actions that happen around coexistence which can reveal the blind points of the relationship.

Being with a person who shares the positive is creating the illusion of being the twin soul that many people are looking for.

In the first phase of falling in love, we are only able to distinguish the good from a bad person. The prefrontal cortex does not work and we end up apologizing to negative actions, since being in love, is to travel through an altered state of consciousness. The reasons in the light of neuroscience today are clearer. Great dopamine bursts are presented, the pleasure hormone. It allows us to feel pretty, but not think.

If the person is attractive, or we perceive it positively, or we feel in love, we do not believe that someone cute dares to hurt us.

However, this evaluation applies to both positive and negative people. In both, If we do not detect blind points, the emotional invoice can be very expensive, But even more with the people who turn out to be bad, either: because from the family, their personality, their biology or their socialization process it resulted with affective, cognitive, genetic or neuronal alterations that gives them to cause damage to those who simply approach they.

On the other hand, There is no unique profile of people who can potentially harm us. It is best to put out immediate gratification and look at some indicators or signs that we can detect in a potential couple, especially when they show negative or conflicting behaviors, to decide to stay and try, or just get away from our security.

The rock and pop music band of the sixties The Beatles, in its iconic song "All You Need Is Love", seemed to have the key to face the world: "All you need is love". However, with love it is not enough, it is also needed: knowing: "All you need is know". As a personal work strategy, sharing this type of information, it will help us to have better relationships, at least more aware. Reducing the number of uneven couples with knowing is an endless work. It is the struggle between immediate gratification and postponed gratification.  As the sociologist Zygmunt Bauman said: "There is a crisis with the long term: true commitment requires thinking in the long term". (Informarn, 2009)

References

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