The three ces to measure healthy relationships

"Rompe me, but don't ignore me, don't my life" Song of the Spanish group, clean wheat

I do not want you to go, But I don't want to retain your flame either so that others never know your fire. Warman Abu-Tahoun Recio, from the book Imparable Loves

Many are the ways to start a relationship: range from disappointment of a previous relationship; Idealize the new couple and fantasize a relationship that repairs pain and past experiences, feeling alone, living in an altered state of consciousness, listening only our inner voice, valuing in an unimportant way when I loved, begin the hope of a new Love, feeling that sex is wonderful, fleeing an earlier relationship, achieving the objectives that could not be carried out with the previous couple (marry, travel, work, study, etc.), Aging together, being available on some social network.

When we arrive the scientists, we break down that vision: beautiful, romantic, novel, idyllic and fairy tale, with princesses and princes.

Content

• What is falling in love and how we experience it
• If we live such a pleasant state, what wears it then?
• What are the three "ces" to keep a couple relationship healthy?
  • Final reflection
  • References

What is falling in love and how we experience it

Falling in love, is a complex, polysemic concept (has many interpretations), metonymic (has many synonyms), in its semantic description and results in singularity, then Each person interprets and lives differently. This unique way of living in love directly affects each and every one of us: we live in love differently with each couple.

To this, we must add your imbricated multidimensional analysis, where many scientific disciplines intervene (psychology, psychiatry, sociology, physiology, etc.) And they are related, we call this transdisciplinarity, for example: in the neurobiology explain what; Dopamine secreted by the hypothalamus produces pleasure and this makes us feel, but not reason; As a neurological process, it involves different parts of the brain: it begins with the cerebral cortex and subsequently puts into the hypothalamus, the prefrontal cortex, the tonsil, the acumbens nucleus and the front tegmento area, these areas form something called, the reward circuit and makes you enjoy falling in love as if it were the most pleasant food or the most beautiful trip, Metaphorically speaking.

Falling in love and its effects

A little boring this, but you are scientific!, But do not break down, keep reading.

Orlandini (2004), points out many Other ways to experience falling in love:

• sex more friendship, manifestation that comes from sexual desire,
• love chemical affinity, where the small seems big,
• madness of love; See the Beloved not as it is, but how I would like it to be,
• Do not see the other as it is and do it an idol,
• feeling of having been deceived,
• Passion, eroticism, tenderness, sweetness, maternal instinct, mutual understanding,
• Love blindness, when the prefrontal cortex seem off and we only feel, but we don't reason,
• emotional satisfaction when protecting and being protected.

Who has been in love, may agree, that it is worth feeling the ecstasy of this moment in life.

Being in love is one of the most pleasant sensations experienced by human beings. It makes us feel strong, attractive, motivated, with purposes to live life, with energy to work, we are in a good mood. And, “everything begins with a physical attraction followed by a personal attraction. Falling in love triggers when there is knowledge or suspicion that there is or can be reciprocated ”. (Natgeo, 2021).

If we live such a pleasant state, what wears it then?

It is best not to try to understand love, whose inexorable and unexpected character seems governed rather by magical laws than by rational laws. Marcel Proust, French novelist and critic.

Don't let yourself be lost for someone who doesn't mind losing you. Anonymous

In principle it seems inexplicable to move from an almost perfect state to a conflicting situation that could take us to the other extreme. To be separated, to hate when loved in many cases, to feel disappointed and with broken expectations.

A very interesting paradox is to assume that those ties that united us are the same that intervene to separate us. Well, this idealized vision ends for different reasons. This is related to something that is called: cognitive distortions. "It is a defective or inaccurate thought, perception or belief". (APA, 2010, p. 148). There are many cognitive distortions: thought of all or nothing, customization, divine reward fallacy, selective abstraction, maximization and minimization, reading of thought, denial, among many others.

Let's think two ends, but there are many more. A very positive one: See only good causes a partial vision of the other. We believe that the other person will never change. As human beings we all have virtues and defects and we change over time. And, this is a cognitive distortion called denial, when the previous reality is not accepted. We only see the good, without thinking that too There are bad things; In us and in the couple. Another is known as; the Divine reward fallacy, We think that problems can be fixed by themselves, without the need to discuss and sometimes we try to forget them. One more, although there are many is known as maximization and minimization; We let things happen that we don't like and we minimize them. To all this An excited brain in the positive, does not think, just feel, forgive, minimize mistakes or deny unpleasant things. When couples get along more or less well, these distortions play against them and assume that things will already happen and fixed.

In the negative, when couples do not get along so well, there is a Myopia of the future, In addition to any of the previous distortions. The event is complex, but the explanation is very simple. In the complex, we can not see what, there are ill -treatment from the beginning; Most likely, these will also be present in the future. In the simple, but we cannot see it, is that Although the relationship is not or has not been rewarding, we decided to stay, with the consequences that this generates.

On the way, the good and the bad get together. The conditions to live as a couple are many, however, they can lead us to the path of being Shot couples. Why do we become an uneven couple and this can lead us to separation, or divorce?

To know if our relationship is healthy, we need to turn our eyes to the beginning and know if we let conflicts pass, either because we evaluate the couple very positively or because in the paradox, conflicts did not allow us to see, that we had conflicts (myopia to the future).  Another element that complements the myopia of the future is the fear of self -knowledge. It is better to eat a good dish of the favorite food, than to face ourselves. At least it is what some investigations reveal to us. "Most people do not enjoy thinking just and clearly prefer be alone ". (Wilson, et al, 2014).

Couple problems can be from the beginning of the relationship and not be detected as it advances. The presence of third parties such as in -laws, family or friends can also wear the relationship.

“Some authors (Lavner, Karney & Bradbury, 2014), argue that marital conflicts increase during the newly married years, while others argue that couple problems remain stable.

Couples who have been little loving from the beginning and have been conflicting, have a high probability of maintaining that same attitude forward. "Couples that show greater disappointment in the relationship, show a decrease in love that is reflected in less affections and greater tendency to divorce". (Houston, Caughlin, Houts, Smith & George, 2001).

In general, when there is already a prejudice and the couple relationship results with great wear, it is more difficult to reverse the course, even doing many very positive things. The answer to this can also be found in another investigation carried out by Paul Rozin (2001), "we suggest that a characteristic of the negative events that makes them dominant is that negative entities are more contagious than positive entities". Then then, When the relationship goes to an irreversible turning point, there may be nothing to do to rescue it, Well, we will weigh the negative than the positive.

What are the three "ces" to keep a couple relationship healthy?

A relationship must be based on good communication, respect and trust.

Although there are many related definitions on the three "CES", then you will find the global meaning of them, in order to be a guide.

1. 1. "Couple communication, is The process of production, emission and processing of verbal and nonverbal messages that allow sharing meanings between people, in such a way that they form, maintain and modify interaction guidelines during social and personal relations ”. (Villanueva, Rivera, Díaz & Reyes-Lagunes, 2012).
2. 2. "Trust, is one of the keys that opens intimacy and means a way of seeing the couple, of which it is believed to be good and unable to cause damage, dispossession or betrayal. Trust is a component of mature love and healthy and functional marriage ”. (Orlandini, 2004, p. 29).
3. 3. "Commitment is The conscious decision of loving and maintaining love for another person for an x ​​time or for a lifetime. The criteria of the agreement may be different for each member of the couple: for one the obligation must last while the passion is maintained, for another the commitment must be maintained until the end of life ”. (Orlandini, 2004, p. 33).

If you want to keep your relationship healthy, I suggest paying attention to the following behaviors:

The quality reflected in them may predict balance or imbalance in your relationship. The concepts and some points are exposed, they are not finished and each person will have their personal touch in each of them, therefore, they are different in each person and in each couple, but guide growth as a couple. The important thing is to get the best version of each.

• Communication: Listen to the couple to fix, not to discuss. Do not suppose what you want or mean. Be empathetic and get in the place of the other. Ask what he likes and what he dislikes. Have a plan A, B or C and as many as necessary to solve the differences. Be aware that not all the time can solve everything. Share daily life. Avoid mixing many issues and concentrating on a single point to gradually solve the pending. Express positively, without aggressions. Talk about circumstances and not about people, because there is a risk of aggression. Do not label or pigeonhole a person with negative categories.
• Commitment in the relationship: Look for a couple time, regardless of friends, children or family. Know that there are no winners and losers, only people who live together. It is important to know that similar objectives or sets and also personal objectives can be had and that does not attempt against the couple. The commitment also implies respect for the couple and their ideas, despite the differences. Guide coexistence in values: honesty, respect, responsibility, reciprocity, ethics, solidarity, compassion, etc. Appreciate the efforts of the other person.
• Trust in the couple: It is important to consider that in some aspects we are different, and that makes us different, not distant. Highlight the good of the couple (emotions, attitudes, languages ​​of love, intelligence, etc.). Avoid fixing things when they are out of emotional control, because emotions cloud our vision as people and as a couple. Feel in the freedom to express, emotions, thoughts and feelings. Practice emotional intelligence. Seek coherence between thoughts, feelings and actions. Have the humility of apologizing and apologizing. Avoid lies and deceptions. Keep promises!

All the elements of the three “CES” are related and function as interconnected systems, therefore, the change in one in ambivalent way will impact on the positive or the negative in the others.

Final reflection

As the wise men say, the kiss is also a form of dialogue, Talk to your partner!

They are blind points that are forming disparate couples: Love at first glance, the positive and negative valuations of the couple, cognitive distortions, love blindness, myopia of love, blindness to the future, and many more.

There is a saying in Mexico that says: "The lion believes that they are all of the same condition". In trust I could make a lot of sense. People who have received tenderness and have been educated without hatred or resentment, naturally tend to wait for the best of the other.

"Communication is important in the couple's relationship since from this the conjugal system, roles, perception, hierarchies and behaviors are defined.". (Villanueva, Rivera, Díaz & Reyes-Lagunes, 2012).

The commitment in the couple also includes; Rules of fidelity (p. eg., Sexual fidelity, financial fidelity, affective fidelity, etc.), the care and raising of children, the distribution of money and power and the degree of dependence and independence of both members of the duo.

This information is a guide and not a decree written in stone, to help in relationships.

If you don't know how to do it, consult your trusted therapist.

References

• Houston, t. L., Caoughlin, j. P., Houts, r. M., Smith, s. AND. & George, L. (2001). The marital crucible: years of newly married as predictors of marital delight, anguish and divorce. [On-line]. https: // psycnet.APA.Org/Record/2001-16163-005
• Lavner, j. TO., Karney, b. R. & Bradbury, t. N. (2014). Relationship problems during the first years of marriage: stability or change? [On-line]. https: // pubmed.NCBI.NLM.NIH.GOV/25150369/
• Natgeo (2021). Why do we fall in love? [On-line]. https: // www.Nationalgeographic.is/science/because-us-inamoramos
• Orlandini, a. (2004). Falling in love and evil of love. Fund of Economic Culture.
• Rozin, p. (2001). Negativity bias, dominance of negativity and contagion. [On-line]. https: // journals.SAGEPUB.com/doi/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0504_2
• Villanueva, g. B., Rivera, s., Díaz, r. & Reyes-Lagunes, I. (2012). Communication in pairs: development and validation of scales. [On-line]. https: // www.Scielo.org.MX/Scielo.PHP?script = sci_arttext & pid = s2007-48322012000200010
• Wilson, t. et al. (2014). Just think, the challenges of the disconnected mind. [On-line]. https: // www.NCBI.NLM.NIH.GOV/PMC/ARTICLES/PMC4330241/