The death of the lover a forbidden duel

Loving is the key that moves the world, and is the secret word between you and me. Anonymous

Loving and feeling loved is a primary need that we have as human beings, Be accompanied by someone with whom we can share our successes and failures, who supports us and offers solidarity in difficult times, who speaks with us and gives us their support (emotional, economic, moral, spiritual, etc.), will make it more bearable to cross complex situations, losses or situations of danger, threat or trauma, and there will certainly be a big difference to live it in complete solitude. We need interpersonal contact to survive and recover faster.

For Bessel van der Kolk (1996) and his research on trauma and the impact he has on memory, he mentions that The contact or not with people, is a decisive factor for an experience to become a trauma, and it is more decisive that the acuity of the event itself. Death or trauma is very mediated by the presence or absence of a support relationship with another human being.

Living a duel is very complicated, it is a very difficult experience, but without a doubt, pass it in solitude or being accompanied making a big difference to reach its acceptance.

Content

• What is unauthorized duel
  • Disazing duels are:
• The duel for a lover
  • Reflection
  • Bibliographic references

What is unauthorized duel

The unauthorized duel, It refers to the interpersonal dimension or social aspect and applies to those duels that cannot be socially recognized or publicly expressed (Doka, 1989, 2002, 2008). This concept points out, how certain people are not given the right to live their duel And they do not receive support from their surroundings or the facilities that are usually given in other signing situations (Payás, A, 2020, p. 55).

Disazing duels are:

1. A relationship that is not recognized (Loss of the lover, or the ex -partner, an unofficial homosexual relationship, the loss of a patient with whom there was a special link, the very narrow friendship ties, but not expressed, openly, the co -workers with special affective links and Secrets, caregivers, educators, adopted parents or siblings or even biological parents who never expressed their genetic link.
2. A loss that is not recognized (The death of an animal or pet, social deaths, who are living but invisible people, not being able to have children, people in a coma, perinatal death).
3. When the mourner is excluded (Mental disability, older adult or a child).
4. Those related to particular circumstances of death (suicide, homicide, AIDS and overdose).

As we see this duel covers many issues, but the one that I am going to focus is on the duel for the death of the lover or the lover.

The duel for a lover

The lovers are people who love and have created emotional and sexual ties with a person who is married or has other affective commitments. They come in different colors, sizes and genres (bisexual, homosexual and heterosexuals)). The lovers have a social stigma that leaves very badly before society, since this type of extramarital or unofficial relationships are not approved. That is why When one of the lovers dies, he or the survivor will not have who to resort to have a comfort, will not find empathy or support in friends or close relatives, forcing to live a forbidden and silent duel.

People who live outside social norms will be discriminated, not accepted, living with the fear of being rejected, that is why they prefer to maintain an "illicit" relationship in complete secret, because far from being understood they will be stigmatized and judged. If the relationship is not made public, they will not run any risk of openly revealing their intimate relationship. However, if known, social escarnio can be received.

The people who suffered the death of their lover by not having a support network, and living in solitude their duel, They have very high possibilities that the experience is pathological, fragmented and dissociated, To avoid greater damage. This can cause an emotional disability or psychosomatic illness, avoiding making a story of what happened. Which easily leads to suffering a distortion of reality. It is impossible that they do not come to the mind, the good or bad expectations that could happen between the members of the failed couple and that only remained in an attempt or less than that.

The loss of a loved one is a devastating fact, but not having the understanding and support of your family environment in the death of your unofficial partner and preparation of your duel can produce the same damage or even more than the event itself.

Reflection

The death of the lover is a unauthorized duel which is pointed out as risky and complicated, because it covers feelings of guilt, shame, lack of social support and there are no significant rituals to fire those who left and Many times there is also no possibility to attend funeral services for obvious reasons.

When someone you love, in this case he or the lover, suffers a deadly disease, has a serious accident or dies; Anxiety and pain of losing it is very painful. It is vital to have the support of your social environment, however, but you have it, It will be necessary to elaborate your solo duel exclusively and personal, With or without the support of others. And sometimes professional help will be your best alternative.

Bibliographic references

• Barrera, J. TO. (2011) What does the other have that I don't have? Alfaomega Editorial.
• O'Connor n. (2020) Let them go with love. TRILLAS EDITORIAL. 3rd. Edition.
• Payás a. (2020) Duel tasks. Editorial Paidós.
• Van der Kolk B. TO. (1996) in Levine P. TO. Trauma and memory. Brain and body in search of the past living. ELEFHERIA EDITORIAL.