Emotional intelligence in the couple in falling in love, coexistence and separation

If you want to meet a person, do not ask what he thinks but what he loves. San Agustin

Emotional intelligence plays a fundamental role in the maintenance of the couple.

All emotion has an impulse towards action at the root, and effectively handling these impulses is basic. Paradoxically, This can be especially difficult in a love relationship, Where are there so many things at stake. The reactions involved here reach some of our deepest needs such as being loved or feeling respected. The fear of abandonment or to be emotionally deprived of this facet of our lives. It is not surprising that During a marital fight we act as if our survival itself was at stake.

About 50% marriages end in divorces when spouses sadly discover that they have not married the person they believed. Within the first year of marriage, the incompatibilities and individual problems of emotional intelligence come to light, and many couples do not know how to address those problems.

Content

• The act of falling in love
• The importance of courtship
• Coexistence or marriage
• Separation and divorce
  • Bibliography

The act of falling in love

Falling in love is a feeling that is born spontaneously and with great intensity, it is that "strange sensation" as some call it, which remains for a while and then decreases. In some cases it disappears and in others it transforms into love.

For two people to fall in love, certain circumstances such as physical attraction must be given, to complement themselves intellectually, a certain degree of emotional intimacy, approach and desire to be together, among others. However, there are cases in which these conditions are not necessarily met and people in any case fall in love.

Falling in love is a very intense affective experience that leads people to get involved in a very deep way. Generally this feeling is observed during the stage of adolescence and youth, but some people repeat this same pattern of behavior during their lives, in which all the thoughts and ideas of the other are positive, idealized and to times almost irrational.

In this phase, both members of the couple They are tremendously tolerant with the other, in order to maintain the intensity of falling in love. To any inconvenience, however serious it is, it is not given importance because what matters is the desire to be in love and love the other. A kind of sense of protection is experienced, based on the deep conviction of "believing" what is best for the other.

Those who are in the period of love have ideals that are almost always impossible to achieve, because They begin to imagine a series of situations with their partner that are not usually real, As for example, "we will always be for each other", "He/she will change thanks to my love", "We are both like one" and thus a lot of thoughts go through each one's mind and then , facing reality, can be carried out.

Thus, falling in love favors and facilitates the formation of the couple, although in the long run it is not all so "perfect". Both men and women feel impulses that emit unconscious signals (gestures, looks, smiles, etc.) that cause instant reactions in both. Is what is defined as Chemistry of love.

The importance of courtship

Once people decide A test in which they measure how compatible or are not and what are the differences or similarities that unite both people, among other things. They are even measured to the degrees of complementarity of the families of both, for what when marrying or joining their partner, they also do it with their family.

In this period, the bride and groom express common interests and expectations are made for the future and even when the appropriate time is not established to maintain a courtship, it has been determined that marriages whose partner had a short wedding time, tend more to failure. Not so the marriages in which the couple had more time to meet in the boyfriends stage. However, the important thing at this stage is not only to love the person but keep with it a high level of communication that allows us to know who she is and if she adapts to what we want And we need as a couple.

Choosing a person and making a life in common is one of the more transcendent decisions in everyone's life. That is why, although we fall in love and want our partner, we must also rationalize if it fits what we want and we have raised about how the person who accompanies us in the arduous task of consolidate a family.

Coexistence or marriage

We talk about marriage but with this we also refer to couples who live without being married. And it is that in any of the two cases a lot of ability to handle emotions and overcome the different stages of life is required. It is not easy to unite Two people who are completely different, raised with different values, ideals and attitudes, and get a healthy, long and lasting coexistence. One of the main aspects needed for a relationship or marriage to maintain, is the predisposition. Having the real intention and the desire to want to be happy and in addition to making our partner happy.

A primary aspect for a marriage to work long term is empathy. Knowing how to put on the skin of the other before issuing judgments or accusations is a key act of emotional intelligence for a healthy marriage relationship.  If for example, the spouse arrives at home with stress and anxiety of work, or vice. An empathic attitude would be to ask if he wants to speak and offer him the opportunity to have his own space for a few moments. If you decide that you want to speak, it is best to listen to it and give it positive opinions instead of issuing value judgments.

On the other hand, A good base to get harmony in marriage is also companionship. People have different ways to live it and express it, in addition to different needs related to it, but generally marriage produces a very intensified feeling of it. The companionship involves the meaning of personal limits, to what extent one wants to open towards someone and incorporate it into your most intimate life and its emotions. It also reflects the point at which someone can feel that they are losing their own identity or is being eclipsed by the other. This, obviously, is a very personal issue. Therefore, when two people do not realize that they are very different from each other in this section, one of them can begin to feel stifled and oppressed, while the other can feel alone, abandoned or not even loved.

Separation and divorce

Unfortunately, separation and divorce are alternatives through which any couple can pass at a given time of their life. Unfortunately, there are circumstances that, sometimes, escape the emotional and rational control of spouses and the separation and/or divorce, become tools that can avoid a greater evil.

Experience shows that One of the first causes of divorce that arises is that the couple did not know each other well before marrying. On many occasions the boyfriend and the bride, during the premarital stage, try to make the other part that they are as the couple wants; And they are not really shown. In short courtships, couples do not have real time to meet and when they get married they can find that they have done it with a couple that is far from being the ideal they had as what their spouse should be.

Most divorces are preceded by months or even years of disputes, offenses, heartbreak, fights, disappointments and frustrations. In the first place, couples begin with mutual provocations, with hostile treatment and vocabulary and episodes of screams and verbal or even physical abuse.

Thus, the intensity of emotions, pain, offenses, resentment and other feelings cause deep damage to the difficult couple to recover. On the other hand, if not done with enough emotional intelligence, the victimization of Children trapped in the "conjugal battle", produces psychological deterioration in the minds of minors, because children are intimidated by the scenes, without knowing what to do and feel disoriented, helpless and sad due to lack of control of their parents. In addition, parents tend to ask for solidarity to children (each one by their side) generating serious decision conflicts.

Subsequently, if the couple fails to handle conflicts and begin a divorce process, they begin a period of confrontation for different reasons, whether due to resentment, rage or by the division of conjugal heritage. In this phase the hostility intensifies, the desire for damage from one to the other. Hatred, bitterness and sometimes even the desire for revenge arises.

The main problem that children have when separation or divorce arises is that parents incur a series of totally erroneous behaviors towards them. Progenitors should never put children as "spies" to inform them what the other spouse is doing, or as "messengers" to communicate with each other. Nor should they present aggressive reactions against their children to take revenge on the couple, or threaten the spouse in the sense that if divorced they would do tremendous damage to the children to try to avoid separation. The consequences of inappropriate behavior of parents when divorced can cause anxiety, fear, insecurity, ambivalent feelings and different behavioral disorders.  So if a couple is in the process of divorce, it must take into account:

1. The problem is with our partner, never with our children.
2. The only way in which our children do not suffer during separation or divorce is that as parents we are fully aware that we must clearly explain the situation to them and tell them that, regardless of the decision they make, both spouses will continue to love them and help them.
3. If there is no choice but the divorce, a friendly separation will always be preferable than a conflictive, for the welfare and safety of the children and the couple themselves.
4. You have to make a great effort to overcome resentment and rage, but it is indispensable for the good of all.

Emotional Intelligence Test. Discover your strengths and weaknesses

Bibliography

• Alarcón. M. (2017). Relationship between emotional intelligence and couple satisfaction in adults. I International Congress of Psychology.
• Alonso, m. B., Meek, j. M. M., & Sánchez, M. AND. G. B. (2009). Emotional intelligence as an alternative for the prevention of psychological abuse in the couple. Psychology Annals/Annals of Psych
• Blázquez, m., Moreno, J. M., & Garcia-Baamonde, M. AND. (2015). Psychological abuse in couple relationships. Emotional intelligence as a protective factor and gender differences. Psychology Bulletin, 113, 29-47.
• Sánchez, m. T., Montañés, J., LATORRE, J. M., & Fernández-Berrocal, P. (2006). Analysis of relationships between perceived emotional intelligence and mental health in the couple. Anxiety and stress, 12.