Coaching and narcissism

We are facing a clear example of defective perception of realities, including one's own. We all suffer from lack of self -knowledge and, among other defects and excesses, we can believe ourselves very important and even essential; But in the case of narcissists, the distortion of their own reality is extraordinarily visible and striking: it is a serious personality disorder. Before a narcissistic manager, no collaborator dares to reveal the self -deception, and the situation can be as irreversible as conflictive: we are facing a characteristic that results, in general, ominous -not good seems to presage -, in whom they manage power.

Continue reading this Psychology Line article, if you are interested to know more about the relationship between Coaching and narcissism.

1. Introduction
2. Narcissism
3. The danger that supposes
4. How to live with a narcissistic boss?
5. Are you narcissistic?
6. Self -knowledge, to prevent
7. Coaching, to deactivate
8. Final message

Introduction

Of course, there are many effective, complete, humble and as aware of their weaknesses as of their strengths; But it would be that Prevent narcissism and its approaches -excess ego cult-, and to this purpose the care would contribute Delphic mandate cultivation, going through a feedback effective, not to mention respect for others. If we have not prevented the disorder, it will be difficult for us to conclude that we need a Coach, to help us get rid of narcissism; But, before a Coach expert, we will be aware of the fact, and approximate our own image to our reality.

Almost all have missed some achievement and, Of course, many of us dedicate a significant part of attention to nurture our image; But in some cases, this consumption of attention seems really excessive and our professional performance can only resent. For those who, perhaps after some initial successes, or perhaps captivated by the power they administer, reach the extreme of profile a narcissistic personality, which comes next can be disastrous for the environment. Around the narcissist there are people who are cheating, but there are also others who perceive almost as they are, and they even feel some of others's shame. In sufficient degree, narcissism has to be seen, beyond a serious and improper excess self -esteem, as a dangerous perversion; It seems to constitute, in a few words, a loss of one's own reality to place itself above good and evil.

The lack of self -criticism It can lead us to behaviors that would be ashamed if we met better, or, in other words, that we would try to avoid whether we had a better perception of our reality; In other words, we can make a fool of us without realizing it (which can also happen, of course, without being narcissistic). The deficiencies of this profile are not limited to self -knowledge, but extend to other dimensions of emotional intelligence; An emotionally intelligent person, in addition to relating well to others and understanding them, is known and "relate" well: does not seem precisely the case of the narcissistic.

It should not be casual that, in the company, The managed leadership concept does not move away from the so -called emotional intelligence, As experts in the 90s already pointed out (I specifically remember a day in the APD, with Mulder, Medina, Marina ...). But, at the same time, it should be asked if the effort to consider leaders to managers (especially in the case of the youngest) has not favored the disorder in more than one case, in addition to the risk of reducing followers, professionals seniors and young of the environment. In addition, there are also talk of managers such as coaches, which increases ancestry over Coachees.

A reader will disagree, but I believe (after reading Drucker, Hock ..., after reflecting on the matter) that in this economy of knowledge and innovation, A good manager can surely be (that is, it can contribute decisively to the good results in your area of ​​influence, that is, catalyze them) without necessarily exhibiting leadership skills or coaching (nothing frequent, although understood); Although it is true that there is often talk of leadership as a position, and coaching as a function of guardianship, evaluation or mentoring. Although I do not exercise the coaching, I would like to argue that the authentic can serve, among other many things, to cure a narcissist, and in which it is difficult to think that a company manager is, at the same time, a good one Coach For your assumptions followers; But in this I know that, lacking authority, I go against us Establishment: one of our most prestigious experts, Javier Fernández, postulates, and almost considers synonyms, leadership and coaching..

On the other hand, if the manager of our day, in addition to the traditional and periodic meetings, perhaps weekly, with other managers, and the most liturgical ones such as the Kick off meeting, etc., He had, as a leader, some others with his followers, others with his Coach, others with their Coachees, others because of feedback 360º and the ASSESSMENT, others with customers, others with suppliers .. , ¿He would have time for permanent learning, for strategic and tactical reflection, to incubate intuitions, for action plans, for market attention, to get home without looking like a WORLKAHOLIC? Forgive irony, and let's go back to narcissism.

Narcissism

It is curious that Ego cult contributes precisely to deactivate the sense of the ridiculous narcissists, Although it is true that not everyone perceives them impeccably absurd or extravagant, nor all narcissists betray with the same transparency. The narcissist - let's see already remembering him - is a person who It is overwhelmed in a very remarkable measure, and need to be admired by others, whom he considers inferior and despises.

Fantasize about their achievements and merits past and still future, shows lack of empathy, It manifests itself arrogantly and does not tolerate criticism; The cult of himself also leads him to take care of his appearance and clothing. With his false own image, You see how dangerous a narcissist can be in managerial positions. He considers that his subordinates are at his service instead of that of the company, and his own interest predominates about legitimacy. Think that the rules are not for him and jumps them without consciousness of guilt. Even if they are, or we are, many stretched, the arrogant or the conceited, narcissism certainly seems somewhat more serious, disturbing, dangerous, especially among those who manage more power.

It is worth dedicating a few minutes to reflect on this disturbance of personality, in prevention of it or, where appropriate, chasing a possible, although difficult, self -diagnosis. But above all to reflect together on how to live with a narcissistic manager, because, in that case and as we react, we can "well", or we can run serious risks, including psychological harassment. It is surprising that organizations do not take care of more of these vitandal disorders, which even seem to promote.

Maybe Almost all have gone through some stage of exaggerated self -esteem -or underestimate-, but in maturity we should be cured and know each other better. The issue has been interested in for a long time. Being a child, there was an entrepreneur friend of the family, who was always the center of attention wherever he was; Everyone considered him a special person, and he celebrated a lot to listen to him. Now I relate it to some degree of narcissism, but then it seemed very intelligent, a reference to consider: it ended badly, by the way, only surrounded by interested people. Then, already in my professional career and consultant, I have suffered - and they have suffered me - more than a dozen different bosses, one - only one - of whom I seemed clinically narcissistic, in a very visible degree. I do not feel encouraged to evaluate my bosses, also considering that I have not had to be the ideal collaborator; But, with sufficient time for observation, one can recognize a narcissistic manager, distinguishing it from those who seem but they are not, and of those who simply threaten to be. The experts give us the clues: let's see.

Read in an interesting book (Mobbing) of Iñaki Piñuel that I rely from time to time, the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) points to characteristic behaviors of narcissistic personality. Apparently, one could talk about such, if there were half of the following:

1. The subject has a great idea of ​​their own importance.
2. They absorb him Unlimited success fantasies and of power.
3. Is considered special and unique, and can only be understood by other special people.
4. Has a excessive need to be admired.
5. Have a sense of "category", With unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment.
6. Exploits others and take advantage of them to get their purposes.
7. It lacks empathy.
8. The envy, Passive or active, has a permanent place in your conscience.
9. It shows arrogant and arrogant.

Maybe we can all face these features because we have seen them on TV, in the cinema, or probably in our surroundings. But Piñuel himself, in a chapter of his book on psychological harassment, moves us to the environment of organizations, to identify more specific characteristics of narcissism. The author places the narcissist, among other profiles, as a possible stalker or harassor, and that is why he dedicates several pages. Among the characteristics of this disorder in its labor location, he points to us:

1. Thoughts or statements of professional self -assessment.
2. Stories of great achievements in the past.
3. Hypersensitivity to the evaluation of others.
4. Use of others as a mirror or auditorium.
5. Violation of the organization's ethical codes.
6. Feeling of essential and even infallibility.
7. Monopolization of the merit of others or collective.
8. Great strategic vision self -attribution.
9. Avoiding other people standing out.
10. Propagation of mediocrity, to shine without obstacles.
11. Belief that the rules are not for them.
12. Attention to the hierarchical level in their relationship with others.
13. Contempt for colleagues and subordinates.
14. Phobia to failure.

It is already confirming how pernicious the disturbance we describe can result. The damage they can do to their organizations is proportional to their power, and we cannot surprise us that a first narcissistic executive ends up taking your company to failure. For an observer, not a few executives from large companies may seem distant, cold, stretched and egocentric, but that does not always make them narcissistic. To me, in my own experience, it caught my attention that my boss of mine always answered in a very abstract way to the questions we asked him in the great meetings, and that, when we asked for concretion, he went to tiny details; Now I know that this also seems to be a symptom of disorder.

The reader could reach another conclusion, but it seems to me that narcissism could have its origin in a bad digestion of some early success, and be favored by an exaggerated recognition of the environment. If, still immature, the individual reaches loud successes and continues to reap good results, could accentuate the indicated profile; And by the time, as it seems normal, a stroke came, it could already be too late for the individual's conscience to accept it.

There the narcissistic personality that we describe could be consolidated, perhaps as an unconscious defense of the adverse reality, but also for pure exercise of power with delight. Day by day, the exercise of power over subordinates seems to nurture the distance that the narcissist perceives. I can be simplifying too much, but the reader can thus contrast his own foundation way of seeing it, from his perspective. Of course, one can have successes without the lead, as many businessmen, managers and workers give us example.

The danger that supposes

Obviously, The narcissist is more dangerous for what he does or stops doing, that for what it is; For example, it usually practices militant mediocrity, as particular Hortelano dog. Perhaps one might think that it would matter less than a manager to be narcissistic if it were also effective, that is, if he got the expected results; But narcissism remains short and long term efficacy, and erodes the quality of life in its environment. So that we are facing a dangerous disorder that affects the desirable tandem of the performance and professional satisfaction: A disorder that seems to announce disasters.

We would be before A boss who would take us away from the virtuous circle of satisfaction for performance, motivation and high performance, to take us to the vicious entropy, psychic fatigue, stress and low performance, if not to depression. It would be said, on the march, that the most dangerous thing about a rigorously narcissistic manager is that:

1. His vision of reality is too altered.
2. Keeps uselessly occupied an important part of your attention.
3. It is not easy to establish authentic communication with him.
4. Ignore the rules of all kinds, including ethics.
5. He is not aware of his mistakes, he does not rectify and not learn.
6. The help of empathy, genuine intuition and other resources is lost.
7. He is unable to achieve the positive emotional activation of his collaborators.
8. Ignores the dignity of colleagues and subordinates, and humiliates them or ningunea.
9. It frightens customers, except in connivence or complicities.
10. Establish unrealistic objectives.
11. Generates negative emotions in your environment.
12. It usually flees forward, in case of difficulty.
13. Propitiates or assures the mediocrity around it.
14. It constitutes a contagious reference for immature.
15. Practice psychological to subordinates.

Maybe the reader can add other details, but all of the above, if we agree, hinders the prosperity of the organization and raws its climate. Apart from the possible added corruption - negligent or greedy - of diverse magnitude, if we reflect on the previous list, one continues to ask why organizations of these peculiar managers are not fought: ¿Perhaps because the culture itself - or architecture of the organization - generates them as a side effect? On the other hand, he would insist on the militant mediocrity climate that usually generates narcissism as self -protection: Someone who presented brilliant or innovative ideas would be quickly detected, and would be subtly immobilized, neutralized. The narcissist cannot tolerate more brightness than he wants to generate; cannot celebrate successes that are not yours; It has to be the best, even when he plays tennis or mus; and need, in short, a mediocre environment.

Also We would highlight the bankruptcy of the spirit of community; But everything, in general, suggests bad omens. Additionally, in its eagerness for notoriety, this manager can use his position to be part of clubs, associations and other initiatives in which he nourishes his hungry ego (naturally and although he does not have to say it, the fact of participating in diverse initiatives, even with a certain role, does not imply narcissism). The echo that in those forums finds the narcissist, can be more linked to its material contribution than to the intellectual, because immediately it is betrayed, and not only betrays itself but can discredit the company it represents.

It is possible to insist that we are facing upset behavior that occurs in different degrees -also slightly -but the fact is that Among its symptoms are falsehood, arrogance, reckless judgment and boasting, all very visible and suspicious; is able to boast even future achievements (which almost never arrive).

For a nearby collaborator, making the situation bearable depends on what extremes the narcissistic boss takes his relationship with the subordinates and especially with him; But, above all, of the degree of power that in this relationship exhibits. You can reward submission with good salary increases, but you can also apply psychological and economic punishments to those who do not submit. These things can be done, and sometimes they are made, as a mere abuse of power outside narcissism, but certainly this disorder conducive them.

How to live with a narcissistic boss?

As before a neurotic or corrupt executive, also before a narcissistic and according to the degree of the disorder, the hierarchical level he occupies and other circumstances, there are several answers: take it with resignation, flatter and earn his favors ... and, if the case is especially pernicious , start, stay until shortly before the ship sinks, or sink with the same. But It should not be ruled out that the company has managed to be in favorable waters and winds, and its trajectory continues. Thinking that, perhaps because we do not find an alternative to consider, we will live with a clearly narcissistic manager, ¿what can we do? If, in a situation of gravity and however professional or disciplined it is, one lacks the appropriate stomach, it seems natural that some survival strategy is displayed. Perhaps, in this regard, we can agree some utility recommendations.

Before doing it and although the reader will ask who was more upset, let me remember a personal detail. I remember that when my narcissistic boss approached my work zone, and even if I did not go to me, I immediately stood; I noticed that he turned his head when he left, to verify if his march also coincided with that I would sit again. In the same intention, when he called me to his office, I took my jacket from the back of the chair, I went quickly to his office, stopped at the door and, before his eyes, my jacket has been hurriedly before entering and I placed the tie knot. Being younger, these things had fun, but he never told me to stop doing nonsense. I can be wrong, but I still believe that I did not realize that I was teasing her, and I confess my irreverence while I remember it with a certain syabor. Of course, my boss may simply let me do, attributing to me, perhaps based, some mental disorder today apparently overcome (I no longer have fun with those things).

Well, around the narcissist there are certainly those who choose to join the court of flatterers and PLEASERS, waiting for counterparts; You can also recognize politically correct, who consider that they must be loyal to the boss, whatever and do whatever do; There may also be those who maintain their independence, keep distance and assume the risks. If you. rejects the toxic environment produced by the behavior of the narcissist But, while an ideal professional alternative appears, he chooses to survive as dignity as possible, retaining some of its integrity and moral independence, here are some go Suggestions collected:

1. Avoid formulating criticism or bordering them a lot in background and form.
2. Be attentive to possible-bodies that are commissioned.
3. Preview reproaches or undeserved accusations.
4. Do your job, if you like it, with a certain disguised autothelia.
5. Breathe fresh air (that is, try to expand your horizon) from time to time.
6. Cultivate support around you.
7. I suspend the internal praise you receive.
8. Practice permanent learning.
9. Do not boast of your knowledge even though they are not inhibited.
10. Avoid displaying your boss's emotional departure.
11. Make little noise, but you gain professional respect.
12. Intelligently prevent them from appropriating their merits.
13. Develop your self -control.
14. Do not prolong too much asphyxiating personal situation.

Basically, It's about preventing animosity And also to prepare defenses in case they arrived. But you see: you, a person of a certain moral consistency, will have to dedicate a part of that limited resource that is attention, to prevent and combat the possible harassment of a narcissistic boss before a collaborator not subjected. Now I am going to propose a brief examination of consciousness in case you want to make sure you are not yourself narcissistic.

Are you narcissistic?

I ask why, if it were, It would probably not be aware of it. If you have read this relaxed article, without inner restlessness, without being afraid, surely you. it is not; But if something awkward has felt reading, then start suspecting himself. My intention was to disturb the possible narcissists, in their own benefit and for my recognized irreverence. If that's the case, I searched feedback reliable and reflect; And if you prefer, meet the next small questionnaire and then see the oracle. I have made it inspired by the beliefs of the narcissist, as the author formulates them in the important book to which I have referred.

Already knows: This is for suspects of narcissism. Otórguese from 0 to 4 points, to the extent that each of the following proposals identifies:

1. My collaborators are at my service.
2. I do not force me the rules.
3. I am essential.
4. I gather extraordinary merits.
5. I have great vision of the future.
6. I am not mistaken.
7. All owe everything.
8. I can expect great things about myself.
9. I am extraordinarily intelligent.
10. I am subject to great envy.

You have had zero points or just a few, and therefore is far from being considered narcissistic; But yes, responding with all the sincerity that he is capable, I would have obtained more than 20 points, I would also suspect you. And if I had obtained more than 30, I would already need urgent treatment, and should, perhaps, seek help. Can start with a good Coach, without ruling out the psychoanalyst; Although it is best to prevent.

Self -knowledge, to prevent

When Warren Bennis asked the managers How they cultivated their self -knowledge, These often answered that they helped them a lot feedback from good sources. As is known, Bennis is perhaps the greatest leadership expert of organizations, and knows well that the best managers try to surround themselves with intelligent and honest people, capable of offering them valuable feedback and helps in decision making. Lee Iacocca even stimulated the feedback in whom he called something like "the opposition". And is that the feedback It is, as Rick Tate said, "The Breakfast of Champions". Only non -champions can be indigestible for a good breakfast, that is, a feedbackEnriching and correctly formulated. Self -knowledge is good for everything and, of course, to prevent narcissism.

The best managers not only ingest the feedback: They also digest it. They modify, where appropriate, their opinions, decisions or behaviors, and also reflect and enrich their mental models for the future. They soon identify their good sources and frequent them. And not only go to these sources; Actually, they generate a functional climate in which all their collaborators can go to them when they wish. They are neither afraid nor generate fear: they are modern managers and are handled in confidence climates. But we insist on digestion: sometimes it takes time, but it is important to do it well. Reflective thinking is a certainly healthy exercise. It would be said that, during the slowdown of thoughts characteristic of expert reflection, we discuss with ourselves, we review our reasoning, we question our performance, we discover new connections, we become aware of our defensive routines, observe our attitudes and perceive areas of improvement. Reflection is activated in different ways but, without a doubt, a valuable feedback is one of them; and regularly practiced, prevents the disorder that occupies us.

Coaching, to deactivate

You have to remember that Each individual perceives realities in their own way. On the one hand, the brain tends to fill holes to its will, when it lacks some data; On the other, education, beliefs, ideology, experiences, make us see things very particular; And even more: interests, desires, concerns, also distort realities. That is, both inherited and what has been learned and what is chosen, contribute to distorting realities, including our own: we naturally know ourselves, but affected by the disorder we are talking about, less. With many filters we perceive the outside world, But with many more interior.

You have to get very within ourselves to get to know us better; You have to question many assumptions and we do not know how to do it alone. Here I suggest the reader the help of a Coach, Because it seemed to warn of great changes in people who have experienced the method. I met people who, always from my defective optic, seemed excessively to cultivate their ego, and who, after a process of coaching, They present today nothing suspicious. I do not know what will be in the funds, but in the forms I have seen radical changes, and that has encouraged me to write these paragraphs. Of course, a good Coach And a certain disposition of the individual: that seems to me. It also surely happens that, as the reader will be thinking, with maturity we are getting to know something better ... but sometimes it is necessary to accelerate this maturation with the help of an expert.

Final message

It must finally say that Each person is very complex and does not fit in an adjective; We are all more complex the more developed personally and professionally. That is, in general we have to use numerous positive and negative adjectives to describe each individual. From narcissism we have not only said here that it is a perversion: also that it is a disorder: as a kind of professional deformation to avoid in managers ... I think there may be workers and managers that are so pernicious, or more, that narcissists , but these are largely; However, I am about to confess that perhaps I began to interest narcissism in an improper. In addition, I do not rule out having sinned in my youth, at least venially.

I think that It is worth reflecting on frequent disorders or deviations in managers and workers, Because our performance does not depend only on our preparation and our will (competence and volitional elements). Perhaps, beyond talking about the individual and collective intelligences of organizations, we should talk about health, also individual and collective, more frequently. I really seemed appropriate to contribute to the reflection on the narcissistic phenomenon. Thanks to those who have arrived here, nodding, dissenting, or with reservations, and I take the opportunity to congratulate you if you cultivate your self -knowledge for improvement, and see you cultivate in your environment.

This article is merely informative, in psychology-online we have no power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to Coaching and narcissism, We recommend that you enter our coaching category.