How to know if it is love or custom

Gradually, romantic love has evolved from constituting an economic or social status alliance to become the place where both men and women seek meaning, transcendence, fullness and ecstasy. However, when time passes and the first disappointments appear, it is usual to compare the small crises of the relationship with the myths of romantic love with which we have all grown up. The way to face these crises in the couple will define whether it will be a healthy or not.

¿How can we know when is mature love and when is it customary? The signs that someone is unhappy in a relationship and that their commitment is decreasing can occur in many ways. In this Psychology-online article, we will explain you How to know if it is love or custom through different signals.

1. How to know if love is over
2. There is emotional closeness in the couple
3. Negative spontaneous reactions occur frequently
4. You support each other
5. Are you routine colleagues or lovers?
6. There is no lack of affection and gratitude
7. You consider your partner
8. It is still surprising
9. There is sexual attraction
10. You solve the problems together

How to know if love is over

On many occasions, love is conceived as "butterflies in the stomach" and when this intensity decreases and the disappointments come, they begin to question if they really follow in love or their relationship has become bored. However, it is important to keep in mind that Love is not linear and crosses several stages, From the initial attraction, the phase of "honeymoon", disenchantment or disappointment until reaching real and mature love.

The mature love phase is characterized by the feeling of tranquility and stability. According to Dra. Carla Marie Manly "being truly in love with someone often feels like having a genuine friendship with the additional advantage of continuous attraction and sexual intimacy"^[1]. Therefore, love It is not a permanent state of enthusiasm, but something that is actively cultivated and nourished through actions that show the other person who is important for you.

However, María Squapez^[2] He warns us that many people often consider this phase as a boring stage of the relationship in which there is no love, but nothing is further from reality. There is still love, only you live differently. In fact, it is in this phase where a faithful and true commitment is constructed and the deepest and most rational decisions are made. The couple looks like a support point and communication, dialogue and negotiation predominates.

There is emotional closeness in the couple

¿You feel emotionally close to your partner? ¿Your partner feels close to you? ¿How often you share your feelings with your partner? ¿Your partner shares your feelings with you? These are some key aspects in the relationship, since when one person speaks and the other listens carefully, it offers validation and shows that it cares.

In a study led by Laurenceau^[3] It is pointed out that the listener's ability to respond is essential for the construction of a healthy relationship. In this way, when You no longer share your feelings with your partner Or you prefer to share them with another person, the relationship will decline. If this becomes a habit, I could suggest that you are distance.

As the relationship consolidates, your feelings become deeper and want to connect deeply with that person. On the contrary, when people begin to separate emotionally and stop exchangeing their emotional world, this will be a sign that the health of the relationship is declining and love could be becoming a custom for not prioritizing the relationship.

Negative spontaneous reactions occur frequently

We have aware ideas about our partner, both favorable and unfavorable, but we also have implicit ideas about our partner. These unconscious views are rooted in the fundamentals of the couple and can be especially revealing about the state of a relationship. You can try to reflect on questions such as, ¿What does your partner think about your attitude, how fun it is to be with you? ¿What is your first reaction when your partner is wrong? ¿There is respect or there is a derogatory response?

A study by the University of Rochester^[4]points out that Unconcient negative impressions of the couple, Especially in those who have high and negative high positive impressions, they can have a higher risk of rupture. Many couples fear breaking the circle by custom, however, negative interactions will often weaken the affective bond and love.

You support each other

Reactions to good news can give an idea of ​​the quality of the relationship. For this reason, couples who perceive less constructive reactions to good news (for example, less enthusiastic, more destructive or passive) are more likely to break in the coming months compared to those who celebrate genuinely and strongly^[5].

When you are not really in love with your partner, it is common to show little interest every time difficult situations arise. This could create a greater distance and feel the relationship as a load or a routine instead of something valuable to take care of. In turn, you will wait for you to solve your problems and goals on your own, without assuming any of your charges or doing everything possible to support you.

On the contrary, when you are in love with your partner in a genuine way You will want to stay by your side In good and bad.

Are you routine colleagues or lovers?

Another way of knowing if it is love or custom is when you begin to lose interest after the stage of falling in love or honeymoon and do not feel the need to try to fix it and/or put more of your part (or that of your partner) that of your partner).

There are many ways to love someone, but say that you love him "as a person" and that you are not "in love" lover you are in love. Yeah You feel more like your floor partner that as your partner can be a sign that you are not really in love and what you feel has become customary.

People who are 'in love' give their partner time and attention. This means looking for quality time and mutual intimacy. Therefore, when you are in love with someone, you are more likely to do what is necessary to see it and spend time with that person. On the contrary, if you don't even feel like seeing your partner, you may not be in love.

There is no lack of affection and gratitude

In relation to the previous point, some couples are trapped in a relationship that reminds more of the floor companions than of spouses. In these cases, Little but significant habits are left aside of love such as, taking hand, hugging, kissing or sharing jokes, among other details that allow to show affection and create happy moments in everyday life.

On the other hand, the lack of gratitude can be evidenced in the constant criticisms that blame the other person and remind him of his defect. In healthy relationships, couple members feel safe and "improved" for the positive vision that the other person has of them.

For this reason, put emphasis on the positive qualities of the couple and feel grateful for having that person in our lives, however imperfect, can make a difference.

You consider your partner

Another way of knowing if it is customary or you are really in love with your partner is to reflect on whether you take it into account in important decisions. In this way, you will find time to talk to him or her before making a transcendental decision in your life, such as leaving the job or moving, to ensure that the result works for both. At the same time, You will see your partner's goals and aspirations And you will do everything possible to support it.

On the contrary, if you care about your partner but you do not want to share your decisions with her, it is possible that, even if you appreciate it, you are not in love with her. In other words, you can wish the best for your partner, but not to the point of having to make sacrifices that reduce your time or energy.

It is still surprising

In one of his studies, Fletcher^[6] relates to be in love with continuing to find new things to love your partner, even after having been together for months and years. Someone in love is full of a passion that can decrease, but that will come again before going out.

In this way, you are considered that you are in love with your partner if You are continuously renewing positive feelings For that person as amazement, gratitude or respect and you are learning new things every day as time passes. In these cases, you will feel that your love is always evolving in good sense.

On the contrary, the people who love each other because they are accustomed to each other are more likely to separate or end up living in a toxic relationship, unlike those who are in love who always find ways to grow together.

There is sexual attraction

On the other hand, if you enjoy spending time with your partner but You don't feel attracted to her, You may not be really in love. With the exception of people within the asexual spectrum, relationships generally need an element of passion, desire or physical attraction to move from custom to be in love.

To find out how you feel you can try to compare your feeling when you spend your time with friends you appreciate and value over time as a couple. If you worry about your partner in the same way as other people in your life, there you have your answer.

If you feel that the custom is becoming the relationship boring, you can look for new ways to spend time together. In the following article we explain how to surprise your partner in bed.

You solve the problems together

From reviving a spark that goes out to improve communication and commit yourself after a discussion, when you really love someone you will be willing to do virtually anything to solve your problems. When there is mature and real love, there will be a Continuous commitment to overcome obstacles and difficulties together.

All couples go through ups and downs, however, when what remains is no longer love but custom, there will be no real efforts to overcome problems.

Realize that your relationship is based more on the custom that can be difficult on love, but it will open the doors to find someone who really meets all the requirements. If you want to be sure to be making the right decision, in this article we explain how to know when to finish a relationship.

This article is merely informative, in psychology-online we have no power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to How to know if it is love or custom, We recommend that you enter our category of couple therapy.

1. Manly, c. M. (2019). Joy From Fear: Create The Life of Your Dreams By Making Fear Your Friend. Workman Publishing.
2. Slapped, m. (2022). I love myself, I love you. Bruguera
3. Laurenceau, j. P., Troy, a. B., & Carver, C. S. (2005). Two Emotional Distinct Experiences in Romantic Relationships: Effects of Perceptions Regarding Approach of Intimacy and Avoidance of Conflict. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31 (8), 1123-1133.
4. Lee, s., Rogge, r. D., & Reis, H. T. (2010). ASSESSING THE SEEDS OF RELATIONSHIP DECAY: USING IMPLICIT EVALUATIONS TO detect the Early Stages of Dissillusion. Psychological Science, 21 (6), 857-864.
5. Something is. B., Gable, s. L., & Maisel, N. C. (2010). IT's The Little Things: Everyday Gratitude As a Booster Shot for Romantic Relationships. Relationships staff, 17 (2), 217-233.
6. Fletcher, g. J., FINCHAM, f. D., Cramer, l., & Heron, n. (1987). The Role of Attribios in the Development of Dating Relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53 (3), 481.