How to detect and what to do if you have a toxic friendship

Many times we have felt that we have a friend who produces contradictory sensations. We love him, but we feel uncomfortable when we are in his company. We are in tension and when we leave a kind of relief that we do not know how to explain.

This feeling of relief makes us feel bad, we think we are selfish for feeling like this. A vicious circle is generated in which we go from being bad when we are with them and at the time guilty for thinking inside us that we feel better when they leave. It is as if we were constantly betraying them.

The first thing we are going to do is know if we are facing a toxic friendship:

There are several factors that are repeated in the relationships established with toxic people:

1. You always have to do what they want. If not, they do not go to the plans, leaving a patent that has been because of you. They are alone because you have decided to do what they don't like. They victimize and almost always end up giving up, going out with his.
2. They emphasize your defects or failures. In many cases exaggerating. Seeing things that others do not see. They create insecurity.
3. They send you messages related to others laughing or want to cheat you. Only they really love you and care about you. The rest takes advantage of your goodness.
4. They control you, with questions where you have been, why you did not answer your call, who are you going with .. They are jealous.
5. They go from anger to entertain you with things getting overwhelmed. At that time you feel committed to compensate them and therefore they ensure that you are not able to tell them that nothing.
6. Do not feel confidence to tell you your secrets. You are afraid of judging you. Sometimes they do not do it explicitly, they use veiled reproaches, inquisitor looks, bad faces ..
7. They punish you in an obvious but not explicit way. Suddenly they take to answer your calls or messages, they answer with monosyllable.
8. Do not rejoice your successes or good news. They always see the negative part by discouraging you when you are happy for something that has happened to you.

In short, they make you feel bad, you are not happy with them. You have to decide if you want to continue being in contact with such people.

The decision. I want to continue or not?

If you are clear that you do not want to continue going through the feeling of discomfort that your company produces or you think that it is impossible to get the change, or even that it is not worth making that effort. You already have the answer, the only option is to get away.

But, if on the contrary, you have decided that you want to continue by your side. That despite these unpleasant sensations there is hope for change. And above all that you want to risk establishing another dynamic relationship with those friends prepare to put all the meat on the grill.

The first: yourself

You have already decided that you will fight to transform that friendship relationship. That decision has to be accompanied by limits. The first and most important is you:

• Give yourself a time period. You can't wait forever.
• Put some red lines. You have to know what you are not going to endure once again.
• Do not falter. You have made a decision and you are convinced that it is the only option.
• Remember that you are in your right to expose your feelings.
• Get ready for a negative reaction.
• Think you are trained to change things.
• Don't feel guilty. You are trying.
• Be sincere with you and with him.

Where to start

Well you know what your limits are and also your strengths. You are sure that you want to address what you feel with your friend. Well, it's time to prepare a speech from assertiveness to face him with him. Explain what happens to you, give examples, always speak from your feelings, from the heart.

1. Choose a friendly place, you like both and in which they cannot interrupt you.
2. Avise him that you have something to share with him that is important for both. What do you ask to let you talk without interrupt.
3. Reinforces at all times the idea that you want to remain your friend. Try from the first moment that you do not feel cornered. Alludes on occasion to situations in which you have been happy. Put them as an example of what you like about him. Close with the idea that everything will be better from now.
4. Listen to him when he gives you your explanations. Be alert not to get entangled, do not victimize, do not leave with yours ... if you use any of those mechanisms, let it know, again being assertive.
5. Use empathy, Be aware that what you are saying is generating a great impact on it.
6. Give him time for him to reconsider. Wait a few days so you can process everything you have told you and what your reaction is.

Finally, remember that if it does not work and everything continues the same you can always take the option to separate from it. You decide who you want to relate. You are not obliged to spend your time with those who do not do well.